That’s a 10-4, Annandale. I’ve got you on my view screen.
Below we have the first paragraph of a Fantasy novel. As always, to remain unbiased no cover will be shown and the title is found at the end of this post. My comments on the other side:
Sophia and Gina stood beside a clear pond in which was cupped a perfect reflection of the moon’s full orb. The breeze billowed their gossamer veils and fluttered them about like enormous fairy wings. The two women faced each other an arm’s length apart, mirroring each other’s grace as two versions of the same individual. Sophia was a seasoned Crone, Gina a mature Matron. There was no innocent Maiden here, but two well-ripened women, wise in the ways of this world and of the Otherworld.
Some intriguing imagery to feast upon in this paragraph. It feels like something is about to happen and the writing hints at magic. Great sense of place and of the characters involved. There are a few things that would make this introduction stronger.
Let’s examine this section by section
Sophia and Gina Stood beside a clear pond in which was cupped a perfect reflection of the moon’s full orb. The breeze billowed their gossamer veils and fluttered them about like enormous fairy wings.
This first sentence definitely establishes place clearly, but the imagery is a bit clunky. In general ponds are flat. The word “cupped” implies a bowl-like rim, which is contrary to the usual image of a pond. Also “the moon’s full orb” implies a three dimensional perspective of the moon which, if this is an Earth-like world, isn’t possible. I’d recommend a different word choice to avoid confusion.
There is a lot of action going on with those veils! I’d cut one of the verbs to make the sentence read cleaner. It’s the law of 1 + 1 = 1/2. By using both words to describe essentially the same thing, it diminishes the effect. I’m also not sure about “fairy wings” as those protrude from the back and veils hang from the head.
One technical bit: If it’s super windy, the pond’s surface would be full of ripples and unable to give a perfect reflection of the moon.
The two women faced each other an arm’s length apart, mirroring each other’s grace as two versions of the same individual. Sophia was a seasoned Crone, Gina a mature Matron.
This threw me a bit because the description of “two versions of the same individual” made me think they were twins, but the second line describes them as completely different. And how does one mirror someone else’s grace? Are they synchronized, like those swimmers in the summer Olympics? The word choice is lush and thought provoking, but be careful to ensure it doesn’t confuse or contradict itself.
There was no innocent Maiden here, but two well-ripened women, wise in the ways of this world and of the Otherworld.
In these last two sections, three key words are capitalized: Crone, Matron, Maiden. This leads me to believe they operate in some type of hierarchy, with talents/powers and authority applied to each level. I don’t know what follows this paragraph, but if this is not the case I’d recommend keeping those words in lower case. That will move them from “title” to “description” and keep confusion at bay.
I can’t say I love the word “well-ripened” to describe the women. It makes me think of a banana going brown. Not exactly complimentary…or maybe that’s what the author was going for?
This first paragraph consists of scene description only. That format isn’t usually a great hook unless carefully executed to convey a sense of dread or tension to propel the reader forward. The above could still work but I think it needs to give a firm sense of whose perspective we’re in and cut a bit of description in favor of a promise of action to come.
Flight Director’s proposed adjustment to the flight path
In the deep hours of the night, they made their way to the waters. Darkness clung to the forest, a canopy of ancient trees that blocked the light of the stars, but Sophia’s steps remained sure. This was not her first attempt, though it may prove to be her last. As they reached the sunken edge surrounding the pond, the Matron that accompanied her offered a hand. She gave a faint shake of her head, transfixed by the waters. The moon stared, a lidless eye gazing unto itself on the glassy surface. Not a ripple shivered across the expanse. Not a breath of air stirred the veil that trailed down her back.
The Raven Watched by Karin Weiss
What do you think of this first paragraph? Would you keep reading? Other suggestions or tips?
Want to test out your hook? Email your first paragraph to me at FineFablesPress@gmail.com
Author of speculative fiction 
Thank you. Your comments are well taken and I will keep some of your advice in mind for my next book.
This one is already published and being quite well received by those who have read it. Were you to read further into the book, many of your questions about this paragraph might be cleared up. Although I can get carried away with description, I know.
I admit to making the imagery a bit over the top with fanciful language… but the book is an occult fantasy, although set in the real world. I don’t wish to make excuses, however and I appreciate the detailed replies you take time to give.
I wonder, though about the value of judging a book by it’s first paragraph alone. It would discourage me, as an author. I’d get stuck right there and despair going any further if I believed all people judge a book that way.. As a reader, I certainly would not make the decision to read any book simply from its first paragraph! and if I did it just means I never intended to read it in the first place.
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Hi Karin! Yes, I agree that it isn’t fair to judge a book by its first paragraph. This exercise is to evaluate the effectiveness of the hook, an important component to whether readers decide to read on or move on to something else. It’s a sad fact that people simply don’t put much time into a potential book before making their choice, but those are the breaks for authors. Joanna Penn talks about viewing being an author as a business, not just a creative field. If one has had trouble getting reviews from blogs or traction in sales, it’s good to really examine what might be the cause. The hook may be it.
Thanks for stopping by!
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Thanks again. I’d like to keep this conversation going for a bit, if you don’t mind. In all the many books I’ve studied and courses I’ve taken that teach novel-writing, none has ever said that the “Hook” must appear immediately in the first paragraph. They all teach that the hook should come within the first 10 or so pages, with earlier matter building up to that. Perhaps book readers are just becoming too scarce and too rushed with all the electronic media available which teaches us to hurry from one thing to the next.
I’m afraid I will continue to write my books in a more poetic style, where I use somewhat unrealistic, fanciful metaphors like “a clear pond wherein was cupped a perfect reflection of the moon’s full orb.” Sorry!! I understand that some readers might want to pull that apart and dissect it for a reality test… but lovers of fantasy usually don’t do that as they ‘get’ the allusions. Not exactly arguing with you here, just saying.
Best blessings in your writing and work, ~Karin E Weiss
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