As most of you know, I’ve been working on my first novel for a little while now. I’m deep into revisions right now and pretty much squeezing every last second available in the day to get the new draft to my editor (I’d get a lot more done if we could add that 25th hour). For those awaiting reviews, I apologize for delays. I’m still reading and will post a review to everyone I’ve agreed to review. Your patience is greatly appreciated. Not one of you has prodded me angrily and I love you for it.
I thought I would give a glimpse of what I’ve been up to though. In my Mission Control series I critique the opening paragraph, or the hook, of a novel. But let it not be said that I’m opposed to the same critique. So, here it is, the first paragraph of my soon-to-be-published Fantasy novel “A Ransom of Flames”:
My child died before she took her first breath. As she left my womb I felt her life ripped from the world, devoured, like the heart of a doe beneath the jaws of a predator.
Just so everyone knows, I wrote these words BEFORE I ever conceived my sweet little girl born last June. Essentially, I tried to think of the worst possible thing that could happen to my main character, Maleia, and led with that.
So, there you have it. I’ll put up the first chapter at some point, but for now, any feedback on this snippet is welcome. How’s my hook doing?
Author of speculative fiction 
I think I would have said “… in the jaws of a lion(ness).”
Name the predator and place the heart in or within (not beneath) the jaws.
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Thanks for the feedback John! Much appreciated as I wade through the revision process.
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Hi Anela,
It sounds like a great hook. When I’ve written critiques on submissions when I judged for the Paul Gillette Memorial Fiction Writing Contest, I would try to think of any possible way I could help the writer improve, even if what they wrote was fine (or acceptable or not bad or whatever) because I just wanted to offer new ways to think about it to the author. So I will make comments as though I am sitting in the judge seat again, just because it seems you would truly want suggestions to consider. They’re just suggestions. Here goes:
I felt her life ripped from the world
We are so intimate with the character with that first sentence and a half, pulled into the womb with her, then the next part, “from the world” is so large and far away. What about making this remain intimate, like what the mother experiences, the ripping of the child somehow from the mother, or what the mother experiences as the child is ripped away from her?
devoured
This seems like a mixed metaphor. The child is ripped from the world, but then pulled back to be devoured. Is she ripped away, or is she devoured? Perhaps if the jaws pull her away, then the second half of the sentence might work better with the first half.
Like the heart of a doe beneath the jaws of a predator
Again, this seems distant from what the mother is experiencing, I think it takes away from the agony the mother is feeling, because readers are taken to a wooded or jungle scene. I would want to stay with the mother and see what SHE is experiencing.
beneath the jaws of a predator
Predator is vague. Can you use a specific predator so as the reader reads this, he/she knows what to “see” because you’ve named what it is?
That’s my two cents, for what it’s worth, or not. :)Cheri Date: Fri, 22 Jan 2016 21:06:06 +0000 To: cherigillard01@msn.com
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This was awesome! Thanks so much! And since you’re the second person now to mention the “predator” thing, I’m definitely going to bring it up with my editor to see how to strengthen it/take out the vague. It’s not an actual predator in this case, but the word seems to be giving that impression.
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I think Cheri makes good points. If you aren’t firm on the predator bit, how about this: I felt her life was ripped from my world as she left my womb. Taken, swallowed back into a place I could not follow.
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Ooo, that’s a good one! I’m might reorder some words as I’m trying to avoid “was” in my first lines, but I really like the “my world” instead of general “world” and the “back to a place I could not follow”. Thanks May!!
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