The First Lines

Tags

#amwriting, Fantasy, First Paragraph, Self Published Book, Speculative Fiction

As most of you know, I’ve been working on my first novel for a little while now. I’m deep into revisions right now and pretty much squeezing every last second available  in the day to get the new draft to my editor (I’d get a lot more done if we could add that 25th hour). For those awaiting reviews, I apologize for delays. I’m still reading and will post a review to everyone I’ve agreed to review. Your patience is greatly appreciated. Not one of you has prodded me angrily and I love you for it.

I thought I would give a glimpse of what I’ve been up to though. In my Mission Control series I critique the opening paragraph, or the hook, of a novel. But let it not be said that I’m opposed to the same critique. So, here it is, the first paragraph of my soon-to-be-published Fantasy novel “A Ransom of Flames”:

My child died before she took her first breath. As she left my womb I felt her life ripped from the world, devoured, like the heart of a doe beneath the jaws of a predator.

Just so everyone knows, I wrote these words BEFORE I ever conceived my sweet little girl born last June. Essentially, I tried to think of the worst possible thing that could happen to my main character, Maleia, and led with that.

So, there you have it. I’ll put up the first chapter at some point, but for now, any feedback on this snippet is welcome. How’s my hook doing?

West Texas to Mission Control

Tags

Book Marketing, Book Sale, Craft, First Paragraph, Free Advertising, Paranormal

Roger. Transmission received, West Texas.

Below we have the first paragraph of a YA Paranormal novel. As always, to remain unbiased no cover will be shown and the title is found at the end of this post. My comments on the flip side:

From the Prologue:

Ann Marie stood at the edge of the room as she watched her children sleeping peacefully in their beds. She fought the overwhelming urges coursing through her body and the motherly instinct that told her to grab them and run for her life. No doubt she could make it to the edge of the woods that surrounded her house before they caught up to her, but then what would she do? She was only one person; she would not be able to fight them on her own. She wasn’t strong enough to do any real damage to Braedon, the man who had spent the last couple of years searching for her.

This paragraph does a great job of presenting the fear and anxiety Ann Marie is going through. We know several things about her right away: She’s a mother. People are chasing her and she doubts her ability to defend herself against them. Kudos on calling out what may be the main antagonist already.

There are a few suggestions that I think would help to ratchet up the tension even more.

Let’s examine this section by section

Ann Marie stood at the edge of the room as she watched her children sleeping peacefully in their beds. She fought the overwhelming urges coursing through her body and the motherly instinct that told her to grab them and run for her life.

I’d love to see these sentences reversed or even merged into one. The first line establishes a sense of place (although I think “threshold of the room” is a better word choice and would take out one of the “edge” words in this paragraph), but it doesn’t grip the reader like the second one. The second line says “Hey! *smack* Something serious is happening here, pay attention!” Move that one to the front.

I’d also recommend replacing the word “motherly” with “primal”. The first sentence already states these are her children so “motherly” feels repetitive. And consider revising the wording of that last fragment, “run for her life”, as she can’t be a singular subject if she includes her kids in the running. Maybe, “run like hell”?

No doubt she could make it to the edge of the woods that surrounded her house before they caught up to her, but then what would she do?

Again, good sense of place. She’s alone with her children in a house by the woods. The kids are sleeping so it’s likely nighttime. All good elements to elicit fear. Cutting away “No doubt” would make the line cleaner, more declarative.

She was only one person; she would not be able to fight them on her own. She wasn’t strong enough to do any real damage to Braedon, the man who had spent the last couple of years searching for her.

“She was only one person” reads a bit awkward. How many people would she be? And kill that semi-colon!

I’d pare this down to one sentence. It’s essentially saying the same thing in those first two lines.

The last line mentioning the antagonist is a touch expository and feels more like the author “telling” the reader information. Keep things zoomed in to Ann Marie’s perspective. Would she say that to herself? Doubtful since it’s information she already knows. The reader will still want to know who Braedon is even with little to no details. It just needs to infer “bad guy” and we’ll wait a long time to know more.

Flight Director’s proposed adjustment to the flight path

They were coming. It was only a matter of time. Ann Marie watched her children sleep, battling the primal urge to gather them up and run like hell. Instead she went to the window and peered between the curtains at the surrounding woods veiled in shadow. Their concealing thickets tempted her for the briefest of moments. Even if they made it, what then? Fight them all on her own? And Braedon was sure to be among them. She let the curtain fall closed with a shiver. At her best, she never did any real damage to him. Their encounters over the last two years made that as clear as the fact that he’d never stop hunting her.

Amaranthine (Willow Shadows Book 1) by Lanie Jacobs

This book went on sale for $0.99 today through October 24th. Check out the book trailer!

What do you think of this first paragraph? Would you keep reading? Other suggestions or tips?

Want to test out your hook? Email your first paragraph to me at FineFablesPress@gmail.com

Calabasas, CA to Mission Control

Tags

Book Marketing, Book Review, Fantasy, First Paragraph, Paranormal

Copy. AOS confirmed, Calabasas.

Below we have the first paragraph of a Paranormal/Urban Fantasy novel. As always, to remain unbiased no cover will be shown and the title is found at the end of this post. My comments on the flip side:

Hani reached for the bar’s door handle. He made two unsuccessful attempts to turn the knob as it slid in his sweaty hand. Finally, he hitched the strap for his guitar case up higher on his shoulder, wiped his hand on his jeans, and got a good grip on the thing.

Relax. You’ve practiced hard, and it’s just an open-mic. The world’s not ending.

Great job here at starting things off with a disturbance. The main character is about to perform in front of an audience and he’s nervous about it, something we can all identify with I think (not that I’d do anything musical in front of a crowd without at least three drink in me). This paragraph also establishes who the main character is, where he is and what he’s about to do. There are a few suggestions that may improve this introduction.

Let’s examine this section by section

Hani reached for the bar’s door handle. 

I’d recommend naming the bar. Perhaps this comes later but since it is introduced right in the first sentence, it’d give an even stronger sense of place. The name of the bar can convey the type of place it is, the atmosphere the reader can expect, etc. all by inserting its name here.

He made two unsuccessful attempts to turn the knob as it slid in his sweaty hand. Finally, he hitched the strap for his guitar case up higher on his shoulder, wiped his hand on his jeans, and got a good grip on the thing.

Interestingly, a lot of novels I’ve read have characters fumbling with door handles. I’m guessing it’s considered a handy writing device to convey emotion before putting the character into what’s behind the door, but it always takes me out of the story. Does anyone ever have that much trouble opening a door? I never have.

I like the mention of the guitar on his back. Immediately I thought, “Ah, musician. I like this guy.” Guitars and men are just a sexy combination, but maybe that’s me. Hands so sweaty they’re literally sliding off a door handle was a little gross though. Also, come on, it’s just a door handle. Can he not treat it like some kind of new fangled technology?

Relax. You’ve practiced hard, and it’s just an open-mic. The world’s not ending.

A one-liner of internal dialogue works well. It offers the chance to directly portray the main character’s voice to readers. Here I can see that he’s probably a little shy, even if he does believe he has some talent. I only take issue in him saying that it’s not the end of the world. Keep that tension high. Let us know how important this open mic is to Hani and why a screw up would be a huge setback to his dreams. Make me worry!

Flight Director’s proposed adjustment to the flight path

The following is to give example of ways to embellish the sense of place right off the bat while avoiding the “fumbling with doorknob” cliche and keeping the stakes high.

The drunken argument between two men outside McDougal’s bar quickly became a scuffle of fists and elbows that forced Hani off the sidewalk. Muddy gutter water splashed across his shoes and onto his new jeans. So much for a clean-cut first impression with the crowd. He hesitated by the smokers loitering beside the door and clasped the guitar strap about his shoulder for reassurance. An open mic at a dive bar wasn’t what he’d envisioned for his debut, but with a record producer rumored to frequent the place, who was he to question fate? Setting his jaw he pushed through the door and tried to squelch the gnawing fear that he wasn’t good enough.

I Know How You Feel, The Sensate by Nicole Minsk

What do you think of this first paragraph? Would you keep reading? Other suggestions or tips?

Want to test out your hook? Email your first paragraph to me at FineFablesPress@gmail.com

Annandale, MN to Mission Control

Tags

Book Marketing, Fantasy, First Paragraph, Free Advertising, Self Published Book

That’s a 10-4, Annandale. I’ve got you on my view screen.

Below we have the first paragraph of a Fantasy novel. As always, to remain unbiased no cover will be shown and the title is found at the end of this post. My comments on the other side:

Sophia and Gina stood beside a clear pond in which was cupped a perfect reflection of the moon’s full orb.  The breeze billowed their gossamer veils and fluttered them about like enormous fairy wings.  The two women faced each other an arm’s length apart, mirroring each other’s grace as two versions of the same individual.  Sophia was a seasoned Crone, Gina a mature Matron.  There was no innocent Maiden here, but two well-ripened women, wise in the ways of this world and of the Otherworld.

Some intriguing imagery to feast upon in this paragraph. It feels like something is about to happen and the writing hints at magic. Great sense of place and of the characters involved. There are a few things that would make this introduction stronger.

Let’s examine this section by section

Sophia and Gina Stood beside a clear pond in which was cupped a perfect reflection of the moon’s full orb.  The breeze billowed their gossamer veils and fluttered them about like enormous fairy wings. 

This first sentence definitely establishes place clearly, but the imagery is a bit clunky. In general ponds are flat. The word “cupped” implies a bowl-like rim, which is contrary to the usual image of a pond. Also “the moon’s full orb” implies a three dimensional perspective of the moon which, if this is an Earth-like world, isn’t possible. I’d recommend a different word choice to avoid confusion.

There is a lot of action going on with those veils! I’d cut one of the verbs to make the sentence read cleaner. It’s the law of 1 + 1 = 1/2. By using both words to describe essentially the same thing, it diminishes the effect. I’m also not sure about “fairy wings” as those protrude from the back and veils hang from the head.

One technical bit: If it’s super windy, the pond’s surface would be full of ripples and unable to give a perfect reflection of the moon.

The two women faced each other an arm’s length apart, mirroring each other’s grace as two versions of the same individual. Sophia was a seasoned Crone, Gina a mature Matron. 

This threw me a bit because the description of “two versions of the same individual” made me think they were twins, but the second line describes them as completely different. And how does one mirror someone else’s grace? Are they synchronized, like those swimmers in the summer Olympics? The word choice is lush and thought provoking, but be careful to ensure it doesn’t confuse or contradict itself.

There was no innocent Maiden here, but two well-ripened women, wise in the ways of this world and of the Otherworld.

In these last two sections, three key words are capitalized: Crone, Matron, Maiden. This leads me to believe they operate in some type of hierarchy, with talents/powers and authority applied to each level. I don’t know what follows this paragraph, but if this is not the case I’d recommend keeping those words in lower case. That will move them from “title” to “description” and keep confusion at bay.

I can’t say I love the word “well-ripened” to describe the women. It makes me think of a banana going brown. Not exactly complimentary…or maybe that’s what the author was going for?

 

This first paragraph consists of scene description only. That format isn’t usually a great hook unless carefully executed to convey a sense of dread or tension to propel the reader forward. The above could still work but I think it needs to give a firm sense of whose perspective we’re in and cut a bit of description in favor of a promise of action to come.

Flight Director’s proposed adjustment to the flight path

In the deep hours of the night, they made their way to the waters. Darkness clung to the forest, a canopy of ancient trees that blocked the light of the stars, but Sophia’s steps remained sure. This was not her first attempt, though it may prove to be her last. As they reached the sunken edge surrounding the pond, the Matron that accompanied her offered a hand. She gave a faint shake of her head, transfixed by the waters. The moon stared, a lidless eye gazing unto itself on the glassy surface. Not a ripple shivered across the expanse. Not a breath of air stirred the veil that trailed down her back.

The Raven Watched by Karin Weiss

What do you think of this first paragraph? Would you keep reading? Other suggestions or tips?

Want to test out your hook? Email your first paragraph to me at FineFablesPress@gmail.com

Beltsville, MD to Mission Control

Tags

Book Marketing, Book Review, Fantasy, First Paragraph

Affirmative, Beltsville. I read you loud and clear.

Below we have the first paragraph of a Fantasy novel. As always, to remain unbiased no cover will be shown and the title is found at the end of this post. My comments on the other side:

An inexplicably unoccupied home would not be what the Santiago family would be expecting, when they went to see relatives.  Only nine year old daughter Samantha would get privileged with an explanation, though incomplete and bizarre.  She would also get assigned a task, equally bizarre.  For completion of that task, plus a fuller explanation of what happened to her cousins and the rest, she would have to wait sixty years.

Lots of mystery in this initial foray into the book. It implies a disappearance, the explanation of which is promised to be unexpected, and a mission given to a young girl that will take most of her life to complete. All of this has the potential for a great hook but there are a few things holding it back.

Let’s examine this section by section

An inexplicably unoccupied home would not be what the Santiago family would be expecting, when they went to see relatives. Only nine year old daughter Samantha would get privileged with an explanation, though incomplete and bizarre.

The first sentence is rough around the edges. The word “inexplicably” makes the line clunky in general, as does the multiple use of “would”. But even beyond that, this sentence tells me something strange is going on, rather than showing me. The impact of the disturbance is much diluted as a result.

The second sentence actually jumps away from the immediate scene and is exposition of the future. It, again, tells the reader to expect something strange, rather than showing it. A hook is meant to grab a reader’s attention and pull them into the action of the moment, not hint at the potential action they’ll find 100 or even 10 pages from now. As the saying goes, a reader will wait a long time for an explanation if something is happening and are otherwise fickle with their attention.

She would also get assigned a task, equally bizarre.  For completion of that task, plus a fuller explanation of what happened to her cousins and the rest, she would have to wait sixty years.

The action of the moment continues to hit a brick wall as we’re promised that something interesting will happen…just not yet. Why make them wait? Come right out of your corner swinging. And holy spoiler alert! This seems like it gives away not just the ending but the surprise of Samantha’s task. Author intrusion often has that effect on a manuscript. Let things unfold naturally as the characters move through the story and keep that close third person perspective so the reader can live those experiences with them.

Flight Director’s proposed adjustment to the flight path

I recommend the author stay with the tension of the initial scene and have the characters explore the immediate question: Where is everyone?

The following rewrite attempts to expand on the mood implied in the first sentence.

No one answered the door. Lamplight pressed against Auntie Magda’s curtains at the front window and the low murmur of the television slid through the mail slot. Beyond this, there was no reply. Not even their dog barked. As Samantha’s father tried the doorbell again, she peered around him to the empty driveway. Her teenage cousins usually scrapped around the basketball hoop at this hour, throwing elbows and hooting over a score. Now only the cicadas spoke into the twilight.

A Tale of Four Planets (Book One: Sessions With the Seer) by David Taylor

What do you think of this first paragraph? Would you keep reading? Other suggestions or tips?

Would you like to test out your hook? Email your first paragraph to me at FineFablesPress@gmail.com

Cincinnati to Mission Control

Tags

Book Review, Fantasy, First Paragraph, Self Published Book

Roger, Cincinnati. Transmission received.

To keep the eyes unbiased, no cover art will be shown and the title can only be found at the end of this post. Below we have the first paragraph of a Fantasy novel. My comments on the flip side:

“Good Morning!” Cassandra said as she tossed the blanket onto Balak. “Time to get up!” She teased. She walked over to a window, opening it. Outside, the remote fort was already busy. Dust hung in the air as it was stirred up by the busy bodies outside. It reminded Cassandra of home. Soldiers were readying horses for patrols. Servants were cleaning up meals. Dogs were running around looking for scraps. Several soldiers stopped to stare at the gorgeous blonde, standing naked in the window.

Definitely something interesting going on in this scene. Cassandra is in a place that isn’t her home and it involves military of some kind. There’s also a hint at her personality type. While there’s debate about starting a book with dialogue, personally, I like dialogue as a hook. All good things, though some craft and grammar issues are gumming up the works.

Let’s break it down one section at a time.

“Good Morning!” Cassandra said as she tossed the blanket onto Balak. “Time to get up!” She teased.

Double dialogue tags should be avoided at all costs. They clutter up character speech. Stick with one (or none) and keep going. Also, while this is only the first paragraph, some reference to who or what Balak is should still be included. Is he her husband? Lover? Miniature Schnauzer?

She walked over to a window, opening it. Outside, the remote fort was already busy. Dust hung in the air as it was stirred up by the busy bodies outside. It reminded Cassandra of home.

A few technical issues happening here. The first sentence is worded in a way that it seems she is opening the window while walking to it, which is impossible. The rest of the paragraph implies this is a medieval-like time period (at least to me), so it should really be “shutters” that she opens. I’d also leave out the word “remote” from fort as it’s a bit vague in this context. Is she looking at a fort in the distance or is the fort she resides in remote? Maybe reserve that word for later when it can be better integrated into description.

Also, “busy bodies” is a known colloquialism, so unless there are some old bitties stirring up dust with their gossip, I’d alter the verbiage here. The word “busy” was used twice within two sentences. The light reference to Cassandra’s backstory was well done.

Soldiers were readying horses for patrols. Servants were cleaning up meals. Dogs were running around looking for scraps. Several soldiers stopped to stare at the gorgeous blonde, standing naked in the window.

The three initial sentences here are all passive voice. Passive voice isn’t always wrong but in this case the active voice would’ve kept the actions lively and succinct, which I think was the intention. Another word, “soldiers”, was used twice within two sentences.

The paragraph began with Cassandra’s perspective, but the last sentence head hops from her to the soldiers outside in order to get a physical description into the text. Don’t disorient the reader. Stay with one point of view and find another way to convey what Cassandra looks like. Also, she’s bare-assed at the window? I’ll admit that this surprised me, which is good. Hopefully there’s an explanation other than voyeurism in the paragraph that follows.

Flight Director’s proposed adjustment to the flight path

Cassandra pulled the blankets off of Balak. “Good Morning, time to get up!” she teased.

Her (husband) made a closed eyed scowl and rolled the other way. With a shrug she went to the shutters and opened them. Already buzzing with activity, the dust laden fort reminded Cassandra of home. Soldiers readied horses for patrols and servants cleaned plates emptied from breakfast while dogs hunted for scraps. Several of the men noticed her there and stared. That too was familiar.

A Tale of Mist and Shadow by M R Laver

What do you think of this first paragraph? Would you keep reading? Other suggestions or tips?

First Paragraph Review

Tags

Book Review

It goes by many names.

The hook. The ignition. The disturbance. The launch (my personal favorite).

Aside from the book cover and blurb (also known as back cover copy), many people look at a novel’s beginning to decide if it’s worth their time. I usually go through at least the first couple of pages, but given the hundreds of thousands of eBooks out there, an increasing number of readers (and book reviewers) use that first paragraph as the test that makes or breaks the sale.

That’s right. One paragraph.

How many sentences are usually in the first paragraph? Two? Maybe three?

If the words don’t grab them by then, they’re gone. Swipe. On to the next.

Yes, it’s a cruel world for the writer but that’s the gig. And really, would we want it any other way? This is passion, after all. That fire that fuels you through the doubt, the rejection, the Herculean effort required to chisel words onto the page day after day with the nagging anxiety that maybe none of them are any good. If it doesn’t hurt, you’re doing it wrong.

Obviously the importance of the first paragraph is not news but I think just how important it is gets lost among the many other aspects of writing and publishing an author endures to get their work to market.

Thus, I’m starting a new series on the blog entitled “Mission Control”. In the same way the launch of a rocket must have the escape velocity to avoid crashing to Earth, a book must start with enough force to capture a reader.

Want to test the mettle on that first paragraph of your published book or Work In Progress? I offer myself as Flight Director. My assessment will be posted here on the blog to give your WIP or book some extra exposure. Just like my book reviews, I promise tactful evaluation and suggestions. If you’d prefer to remain anonymous, let me know.

E-mail that first paragraph along with your city of residence to FineFablesPress@gmail.com. Don’t worry about titles if you don’t have one.

Worried someone might steal your idea if you post it here? An author much wiser than me once said, “Don’t be precious. Ideas are everywhere. Turning them into a 300 page book is what’s hard.” I’ve been guilty of this fear myself, but he’s right. This is a field that requires feedback and I’m happy to offer mine to any who ask for it.